On this day, for the past nine years, I have cried. I have sobbed and heaved my way through emotional episodes, in which I internally recount my precious memories of you. This year, I don’t want to cry. I’m sure I will cry, but I want to cry because I imagine how proud you are of me and of Lol and not because of how my heart still aches when I think of you, wishing that you had not been suddenly and painfully removed from our lives.
Mum, Luca is amazing. You would adore his clever sense of humour, his incredible level of intelligence at only 22 months of age. You would love his gorgeous button nose and you’d “beep” it at every opportunity. You would love how he snuggles on your lap (when he wants to) and runs riot in the garden, climbing up and sliding down his little yellow slide, stark naked.
Something I haven’t told you yet, Mum, is that there is another little baby on the way! Yip! I’m about 7 weeks pregnant now, and so incredibly happy that David and I are lucky enough to be experiencing this incredible journey again! I always wanted to have two children, as you and Dad did with Lol and I, and to have them quite close together. You had Lol 17 months after I was born, and my second baby will arrive when Luca is 29 months old – a bit of a bigger gap, but the truth is that I was only really ready for this now. I sometimes despise the saying, “Things always happen for a reason”, because I’ve never understood the “reason” for you having to leave this Earth, but in the case of my second pregnancy, the saying does ring true.
Speaking of David, Mum, you’d love him. He’s (very) good-looking, very charismatic and, along with being my best friend, he’s an amazing father and husband. We will be together 9 years this August – I literally struggle to understand where the last decade has gone. The only thing I wish, is that you’d met him … you really would have loved him.
Mum, on the 10 year anniversary of your passing away, I’ll be doing a shoot with a parenting magazine called Living & Loving! How cool is that! I became friendly with its editor on Twitter [I’ll just call this a chat room – as trying to describe Twitter to someone who left the world in 2001 could take a while ;)] through mutual “mommy friends” and she obviously got to reading my blog. She asked me to be a part of a feature on mommy bloggers, and of course I accepted! I still adore being in front of the camera – as Lol and I always have! I’ll be sure to think of you while we are having our make up and hair done. It’s something you would have loved to have seen me do, so I dedicate the day to you!
I have amazing friends and family still here with me, Mum, which is a huge support on days like this, when I miss you the most. I have great friends at work too, at my [not so] new job who have supported me in my desire to grow, to develop my knowledge of things that I never would have had the opportunity to do, a few years ago. You’d really love them as much as I do – they’re my “family” 8 hours of the day, 5 days a week, and they’re great
Lol’s coming to visit us soon, Mum. She arrives on the 14th of April and is spending 3 glorious weeks with us, getting to know her gorgeous nephew and just chilling with me, her big sister. What’s really awesome is that she’ll be with me for my next scan – so she’ll get to see this new baby, first hand. Hopefully Lol and her boyfriend, Sam, will also be coming to spend Christmas with us this year. We want to have a typical family holiday at the coast, with the two babies and lots of love and fun. It would be great to have you with us, but such is life. We’ll think of you always.
I’ve managed to write this with a lump in my throat and a smile on my face. No tears (yet), which is a massive improvement … 10 years may be a long time in reality, but it my heart it feels like just yesterday we were all still young, innocent and untouched by the harsh realities of life. In my mind’s eye, I see you and Guy together, watching us all and being so, so very proud.
I love you Mum, always.