Dear … Baby

Dear Baby

You’ve begun to kick – a lot – which is what got me thinking about this blog post. Well, that and a WhatsApp discussion with your brother’s BFF’s mom πŸ™‚Β You kick a lot almost immediately after I’ve had something to eat and, as I discovered tonight, while I am in the bath. Your brother and I were blowing bubbles in the water and giving each other Eskimo Kisses, when all of a sudden I felt a sharp “JUDO CHOP” to the bladder. It’s almost like you wanted to get my attention … like, “Hey Mom! I’m also here!!!”

That made me feel a little guilty … I have maternal guilt about how I treat you and you’re not even born yet! This is not a great start.

I remember holding your brother when he was about 5 days old. I was on the phone to your Grampa in New Zealand and I tearfully (Mom was a bit loopy after your brother was born but hopefully this doesn’t happen again when you arrive!) asked him, as I stared into Luca’s (that’s your brother) sleepy little eyes, “Dad, how do you love TWO of them?” You see, Mom has just one sister, Aunty Lolly, who you will probably meet in December when we go on our first family-of-four-holiday. Aunty Lolly and Mommy are just 17 months apart. That means that when I was not even two years old, my Mommy (your Granny, who you will not get to meet but who loves you more than you or I even know) had another baby. And she managed to love us both, equally. She’s not around for me to ask how she did it … but I do have my Dad, your Grampa. Grampa told me that day, with tears in his eyes (I can hear in your Grampa’s voice, when he’s crying) that you “just make space in your heart and you love both of your babies for so many different reasons”. I believed him then and I do now. I feel like I have to believe him, because my brain just doesn’t understand how to right now.

HOW will I love you both? HOW? If you argue, or fight, how will I know who is wrong? I don’t want to ever favour one of you over the other. I don’t want Luca to feel like he’s being forced out of his “baby” role, when you’ve arrived, but I also don’t want to miss out on anything to do with YOU because I am so worried about him growing up too fast. I do know that you will only be one of two. If I’m struggling with the concept of loving two children, there is just no way I could be the mother of three, or more. Insanity! Well, it would drive me to insanity. My hat’s off to those mothers of more than two children … your advice is welcome here!

Aside from worrying about where I will find the love in my heart for TWO babies, I am also worried about other things. Most importantly, WHAT are we going to call you? It took us FOREVER to come up with your brother, Luca Jack’s, name. After we had him we never paid much thought to what we’d call a second son. We have (and always have had) a girl’s name ready – Maya Jade. But … we can’t exactly call you that, now can we? Your Dad and I are literally stumped. After Man United (they are a football team that you will come to know VERY well as soon as you are old enough) won the English Premiership a couple of weeks ago, your Dad proudly announced on Facebook (something you will be accustomed to by the time you are old enough to operate my iPhone, or whatever space-age device I am using by then) that he would name you “Ryan Giggs Dadic”. Over my dead body would you be named after a football player.

Something else I worry about, is how I am going to feed you and Luca when you’re older. I’ve seen mothers of teenage boys in shopping centres, with trolleys loaded with food. Sometimes even two trolleys. I’ll have to start freezing loaves of bread and buying 1 kilogramΒ blocks of cheese at a time. Isn’t that what boys do? They manage to stay skinny and athletic, all the while motoring through a loaf of bread and half a kilo of cheese a day? I’m not the world’s biggest eater – in fact I went almost all of today without eating (sorry baby) before I eventually became properly ravenous at 5 o’clock and just about swallowed a Nandos pita whole – so how will I be able to keep two strong, fit boys happily fed and entertained? Oh dear g-d … you can see my exposure to teenage boys has been minimal, if any.

What else do I worry about? Well, as a born worry-wart, just about everything stresses me out at one point or another. But your Dad’s very clever and one day he said to me that getting through each day, one at a time, is the best way to get through something. He’s not right about much (just trust me on this point) but he’s definitely right about that.

So, for now … I’m going to try to stop worrying about everything and just have faith in your Grampa’s words. That I will find space in my heart to love you both. And space in my freezer for all the bread and cheese.

All my love,

Mom x

*These pictures are of Aunty Lolly and I, when we were equally little … and equally loved*

 

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28 thoughts on “Dear … Baby

  1. The feeding issue starts at about 8 for boys… man oh man, Bradley is eating us out of house and home at the moment!
    You’ll love them both πŸ™‚ it’s what mom’s do

  2. Choked up like you can’t believe at this moment! Beautiful post my darling…. I love you so much!

  3. Stunning post! Got me a little emotional πŸ™‚
    I was also worried about having a new little boy arriving after having just my one little Mic on his own for 8 years – but you will love them both equally – it’s just how it is…

  4. Pingback: Little Brother, Love Your Mother « Variegated Vision

  5. Oh nix, what a wonderful blog. I used to wonder how I was going to spread the love with hubby and baby, and how hubby was going to feel with me not paying as much attention to him anymore. But in the end it all works out, and you have been such an amazingly loving and wonderful mum to little luca. You are awesome and we are filled with all the love in the world to go around.
    Good luck in your new adventures in mommyhood.

  6. The beauty of it is that, no matter how many babies you have, loving each of them with every ounce of yourself isn’t something you have to think about or be able to fathom. It just is – you just do! πŸ™‚
    I loved those moments in each of my pregnancies when the baby seemed to be interacting/responding to what I was doing. Enjoy!

  7. You are going to do so well Nix, and that’s what I thought “How the hell can I love two?” But you do πŸ™‚

    As for the feeding – Sjoe, Jason’s 13 and eats all day – but you’ll manage!

    ((HUGS))

  8. Beautiful, beautiful post! I really worried about this when I was pregnant with the twins – how on earth will I love any child as much as I loved my then 33 month old Princess. How will I be able to love both boys and bond with them at the same time? How will I manage not to make her feel less important with 2 new ones?

    Really, how one’s heart works is wonderful – you do love them all equally. Maybe a bit different as their personalities dictate, but with the same weight, the same total.

    I do suggest making time for daddy and the baby alone when baby is born and for you and Luca alone – even if you two go out for just an hour alone.

    • I plan on making LOTS of time (well not lots, but as much as I can manage!) for each of my boys … Luca is in playgroup for the mornings, so I will spend the morning with the new baba and fetch Luca from school (while I am still on maternity leave) to take him home for his sleep. I can pop out then to see my hubby at work, as he’s very close to home … maybe take him lunch or something, so we can have an hour together with no babies (I have a brilliant live-in helper!) and then we can do the bath/bed routine together in the evenings – taking turns to watch #2 and bath our “big boy” πŸ™‚ It will work out … I do know that … I am just a worrier by nature and always need to think things over LOADS before I feel okay with them πŸ™‚

      Thanks so much for your comment!!! x

  9. Loved, loved, loved this post!

    As a mommy of two little ones, a little boy who is 2 and a half and a little girl who is 14 months(just 16 months apart), I can tell you that you will find it amazing how you automatically and without giving it a second thought, love both! I will say that you love each baby differently as each child is different and that in itself makes the job easier! It was tough in the beginning(well it was for us) and we all, Mommy included, had to a just with a new baby joining the family. You’ll see that a second baby is calmer and more go with the flow as Mom is calmer and more confident the second time around!

    Our little boy was just 16 months old when Zoe was born and so I had EXACTLY the same concerns about forcing our son to grow out of his baby stage too soon. There were and still are a few crazy moments when you realise that he is still little and needs all the love and support a little person needs perhaps even more so that there is a new baby around but for the most part it has helped him transition into his toddler years and be proud of being able to do things himself. Dad helped lots in the first few weeks and as a result has an awesome bond with his son. It does take two parents working together but it is worth it! It is wonderful to see how the children interact with each other and play and chat and be naughty together! I couldn’t think of a better gift than to have given my son a sister!! We were so blessed albeit a little sooner than I had thought to have had a second child! it is awesome to have a little family of 4!!

    It is always a concern how you will ever look after your family and feed the boys and cloth and school them but …. you will!! Mom’s just make things happen!! Don’t feel guilty – spend as much time with your little guy as you can and enjoy him! The dynamics change but it is beautiful! You’ll see!! x

    • Thank you so much for your experience and insight Heidi! I love your response and think that I will look back on it in times of panic! I just have to have faith in my skills as a mom and all will work out the way its meant to πŸ™‚ x

  10. Lovely post!! YOU have enough love in your heart for a soccer team full of boys!! (and Dave can afford a HUGE freezer)
    Nix, Luca looks just like you in the 1st photo!!!

    xxx

    • Dankie Cilla! We did look VERY similar as babas πŸ™‚ Dave better start saving for a MA-HOO-SSIVE freezer, judging by the comments left by the mothers of older boys on this post!!! xxx

  11. I remember that day Nic β™₯ Your Dad knows just what to say ‘cos he says it exactly how it is. One of the many reasons I love him so much. Just as you will be able to (do) love both your children, he and I love ALL our gorgeous grandchildren. Each and every one of them are special and unique and our hearts expand without question or doubt. Love knows no bounds. What fun lies ahead! Feeding growing boys….I just LOVE it when they raid the fridge! Priceless. But that’s a way off yet :-). Enjoy the journey. Annie x

  12. I think your heart gets bigger every time you have another child. And your capacity for love just grows. I love each of my children in a different yet equal way.
    Promise πŸ™‚

  13. This was beautiful and also I could relate to it, because I am the BIGGEST worrier, and my husband says the same thing to me- thank goodness for some balance πŸ™‚ And your Dad sounds like a big teddy bear- sniff.

    I was also crazy-eyed with the first and after I calmed down I thought “what was all that worrying about?” and you realise that all your instincts are number 1. Good luck! Looking forward to hearing about how it all unfolds!

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