…I’m not looking forward to today.
On top of having Grumpy McFrowny-Face (Luca) down with tonsillitis and having that “drunk-with-exhaustion” feeling from 3 feeds a night, I have to go back to my gynae today.
At my post-natal check up last week we did a pap smear. I honestly don’t remember doing one 6 weeks after Luca was born, but that’s probably because I have a very selective memory when it comes to gynae visits. Anyway, we did the pap smear and I went on my merry way, thinking nothing of it.
On Thursday last week I got a call from a blocked number. Normally I don’t answer, but I did. It was Dr C. He said that they’d received the results of my pap smear and there was an abnormality. A what?! He said that there were some “atypical cells” that needed to be re-looked and that I would need to come in to do a second pap smear and a biopsy.A WHAT?! Yes, a biopsy on my cervix. I immediately started to panic and asked what this was for and Dr C assured me that I shouldn’t panic, that if it was serious that he would get me in immediately, but that this could actually wait until the new year. I tried to imagine going on holiday for 3 weeks with this weighing on my mind. Impossible.
So, booked my appointment and was to see him on 14 December, two days before we were due to go on holiday.
I panicked again and Googled “atypical cells in pap smear” and was confronted with the dreaded C word. Cancer. I had to pull over (yes, I was talking on the phone AND Googling whilst driving) at this point because I was starting to do the ugly cry and couldn’t really see the road. How could I not panic?!
In the past few days, however, I’ve heard from friends who’ve had the same kind of results. Friends who are just fine, after the “bad” cells were removed and they’re perfectly healthy. And have had [beautiful and healthy] kids since then.
So I’m trying not to panic. But I have two kids. I know that this is a common thing and that nowadays doctors err on the side of caution in order to catch these kinds of things early, in order to treat appropriately. I know that many women have had this extra pap and biopsy and that I’m probably being a huge wimp for nothing. But I’m scared. Of the procedure. Of the pain. Of a “bad” result in two or three days time. And it’s not in my nature NOT to panic and NOT to get emotional about it and NOT to share my fears. So that’s what I’m doing now. I’m sharing my fears.
The doctor’s rooms called me yesterday to let me know that there had been a cancellation and that I should come in today at 13:45. So that’s what I’ll be doing this afternoon…spare me a positive thought later today? Please?